Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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