Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
