I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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