My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
