Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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