Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
