You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
