right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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