so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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