she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
