Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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