Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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