I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
