The maid of honor just puked.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
