had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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