My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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