The maid of honor just puked.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
