Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
