I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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