if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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