i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
