If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
