A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
