If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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