Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Boobs are out for the taking
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
