So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
