the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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