i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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