Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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