Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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