My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
