I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
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He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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