i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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