i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
