ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
