I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
