While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
