im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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