A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
