I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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