a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
