i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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