i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
