You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
