Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
