I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
