I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i think my cat just said my name.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
