We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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