Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
