Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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