i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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