I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
