I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
literally had 100 drinks last night.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nobody cheats on THIS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
