I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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