I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
nutella sex= disaster
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
