Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The air taste purple.
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