I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I would fuck him just for his dog
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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